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- Trying dating apps for the first time can be a daunting experience, especially because there are so many rules and trends to keep track of.
- Modern dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder told Insider that many of her clients fall into “the texting trap.”
- Wunder, who works with successful women, said this is when women start talking with the first man who shows them interest for hours.
- Texting a lot means there is little or no motivation for the man to meet up with them, she said, because many men just want a “beautiful penpal.”
- She said it’s important to go from texting, to a phonecall, to the date really fast because “that’s where the magic happens.”
- Visit Insider’s homepage for more stories.
It might seem impossible that some people have never used dating apps, but it’s not unheard of for people to find themselves newly single after a decade-long relationship ends and suddenly be thrust into the world of swiping, matches, and a thousand new ways to feel rejection.
It can be overwhelming, to say the least.
One of the most common mistakes women make when they get into dating apps is called the “texting trap,” according to modern dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder, the author of the ebook “Your Feminine Roadmap To His Commitment.”
Wunder, who teaches women rotational dating, said when matches and messages start trickling in, the challenge is knowing what to do with the attention. If they are very new to dating apps, women may find they start talking for hours with the first man who shows them interest.
“This is what I call the texting trap,” Wunder said. “You don’t want to text with men too much because the more you text, the more virtual it gets.”
Texting back and forth might feel good initially, but Wunder said it actually makes a real connection less likely.
“The more available you become in their heads, the less likely they are to ask you out for an actual meeting,” she said. “Because honestly, there are men out there who just want a beautiful penpal.”
It’s ego-boosting for a man to chat with a beautiful woman, she said, because they can have her attention for basically no effort. All they need to do is lie and text on their sofa.
Wunder has a very simple process for avoiding the texting trap
- Have a maximum of four messages online, then say to them: “I’d much rather hear your voice.”
- From there set up a phone call, and use your intuition about whether you like the sound of them or not.
“A five-minute phone call helps to filter out who just isn’t a match for whatever possible reason,” said Wunder. “So it’s a very foolproof process for not wasting time chatting with men all day like teenagers.”
She said it’s important to go from the phone to the date really fast because “that’s where the magic happens.”
“It doesn’t start with virtually chatting with someone,” she said. “It starts with meeting one-on-one.”